Singleton wish

For the past 6 years, I had not been single.

Well, maybe for a month or so in the past 6 years , I was single.

I dreaded it then, 'cause during that month, I felt miserable that I was dumped.
Technically speaking, I was not dumped. It juz ended on a less-than-hopeful note. (er, probably still in self-denial mode, but I really have gotten over it)
Emotionally, I felt betrayed.

Then I did something even more foolish.
I went out with a guy who was like 15 or 16 years older than me.
Juz to overcome my misery and loneliness.
But fortunately, things did not turn out well for us.
It ended after a short while and I almost plunged into depression again (cos I couldn't get over the previous relationship).

Shortly after, I got tangled into another relationship.
My emotional life buoy, as some of you may call it.
Yes, I admit I was weak.
I couldn't stomach the emotional toil I've put on myself.

Thereafter, I was never alone.
I mean, I never feel alone.
It was like loneliness had deserted me.

I had no time to feel lonely.
For all the spare time I have is in my new relationship.
I am thankful that things happened the way they did, but when I stopped to look back, I know some part of it should not have happened the way it should.

It should have been this way:

I met my guy when I was totally out of the past, and ready to start afresh.

I cannot deny the fact that I did use the relationship to pull myself out of the past ones.
I cannot deny that I was not rational when it happened.

All these were made known to the poor guy who had to suffer with me.
But he willingly took my hand and led me out of my darkest days.

It has been 4 years, 4 years since I was last single(but attached).
And as I recall, I was very well taken care of.

I am blessed to be where I am now.

But some part of me is misssing.
I've lost much of my personal traits as far as I can remember.
My shrewdness has left me.
And also my once fiery temper.

I've changed quite a bit from what I remember.
And I don't quite like the change.
I am very indecisive now and am often afraid to make mistakes.
Looking on the bright side, maybe I have become more meticulous.
Think in details before I act.

But I do not like the change.
I've lost my impulse!!!!
and together with it, my creativity too!!
Even my freedom.

And I was thinking of getting it back at one point in time.
I wished to be single again!!!
REALLY SINGLE!!!

I really wanna have my life back.
Going out with friends, working until wee hours, use the PC.
All without anyone watching me over.
Without anyone setting a limit or boundary.

I am tired of losing my privacy.
My freedom.
My solitude.

I missed the nights when I stayed awake till dawn juz to finish reading a novel.
I missed the times when I run alone in the park(ya, I do run occasionally!)
I missed the days when I shop at Orchard and no one tells me that I am overspending.

I wished I could just get all these while still in the relationship.

But, I can't.

I am tired of repeating what I want, and not getting what I asked for.
Maybe I am asking for too much.

Sometimes, it seems like the committment is weighing me down.
Sucking my life away.
Immobilising the stimulants to my intelligence.
If only you know what I mean.